Monday, December 31, 2007

Season of Love: Cheating

why do people cheat on a highly-coveted, so-called "relationship"?

What's up with that?

Is it the hunger for sex?! Is it a mega-super duper ego booster?! How bout trying to maximize your goodlooks to your advantage?

My friend, whom I personally call a "Magdalena," just broke the heart of his longtime boyfriend in search for a more earthly desire that his relationship already provides.
I hate it. I really do. I just thought he might have been saturated by the love he had been longing for. Now to experience and destroy it completely shatters as to what love describes. Maybe there should be a name for "love" entitled to cheaters.

Now what? After a 4-minute quickie, you'll be left as a sex toy. One way or the other, you'll yearn for a relationship again, but since the universe knows that you'll eventually cheat when you get the hang of it, It'll give you a person that would grant your eternal wish: to be cheated in return.

To all those people who love unconditionally and maintain a simple relationship: you make me smile.

To those who know that cheating is bad but do it nonetheless: tangina nyo.

Monday, December 3, 2007

Freedom 90

Naiinis ako sa mga taong nagpopost ng mga pic ng mga taong di nila kilala sa mga website at gawan ng joke kung ano ang itsura at pinaggagawa nila! Dahil di naman ako biktima, bakit ako apektado?

Kasi naman, sino ba ang gustong pagtawanana sila sa harap ng mga taong di naman nila kilala?! Sino ba ang gustong laitin, kahit ang taong nilalampaso mo ay di akma sa iyong panlasa?!Hindi porket pagdating sa itsura ikaw ang pipiliin ng madla, may karapatan ka ng mukhang gawing kakatwa ang itsura ng iba. Respeto kumbaga.

At alam ko din na kalayaan sa pagsalita ang ginagawa mo. Pero isaalang alang mo na lang
ang damdamin ng iba. Malay mo maging kaibigan mo sila o kaya naman naging isang malapit na kapitbahay. Papaano na lang kung makita ng mga kaibigan at kaanak ng taong nilalait mo ang picture nya. Anung saloobin kaya ang madarama nila?


Kaya minsan, hayaan mo na. Gusto lang nilang mapuna. Gusto lang nilang ipakita kung ano sila. Gusto nilang may magmahal sa kanila. Pansinin mo rin sana na sa mga ng iba mahalaga sila.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

tagged na naman!

Here are the rules:

*ahem ahem
(Thank you nga pala kay darknight for the tag. Mas maganda sumagot nito kasi nakatemplate na eh,wahehe)


1. Mention the person who tagged you and create a link back to them.
2. Pick 7 others you would like to get to know better.
3. Let them know you’ve tagged them by leaving a comment on their blog.4. And don’t forget to give them the rules.


Seven truths about me that you might not have known yet:

1. I don't eat kinchay, once it enters my mouth, I get depressed.
2. I was never hopeful
3. I don't read other peoples' blog because the content of their writing is something that I am envious about.
4. I don't like being stared at.
5. I eat fast. I have My own world when I walk. I sometimes cry myself to sleep after masturbatng and after eating my cum(combo ito)
6. People tell me that I have an eccentric personality7. I am brutally frank, I say what is on my mind without offending anyone.

7x7 (which by the way is much harder):


1. I have never had a boyfriend...
2. Because I cannot really tell if the guy is interested or not(again, never hopeful).
3. I once said the most painful things to a bestfriend which eventually lead to us becoming strangers.
4. I had the confidence of Michiro, Sailor Neptune-before
5. I am torpe to the 10th power
6. I was advised by a friend to seek psychological help for my extreme mood swings
7. I have a poor eyesight, I squint my eyes to get a clear picture

Of course, I need to pass this opportunity to some of my blogfriends(if not for the eyes of the gym-goers staring at me like this-guy-has-been-on-the-internet-for-the-past-hour, I would stay here till closing!) I am currently at fitness first southmall doing this blog. I want to tag: southdude: makoy, jinjuruks, mugen, drew, and planetclose. I do not know how to do the link. Find these people manually!

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Angela

I was inspired to write about my "kababata" because of a facial wash TV commercial(Joey ha!?).Nostalgia and reminisce occured to me; what happend to Angela?

Most of us have had childhood friends, whether you'd ended up growing up with him (or her) or concluded as separately grown; they matter to us. Even if I and Angela didn't become best friends in the latter part of our lives, I just hope she thinks about me-in whatever way. However, my sentiments and thanks-to-her might as well be mutual. I hope.

We became friends during our crazy elementary days, on grade one to six. She and I were under the average level of intelligence, both were over the top ten of our class. We do not normally raise our hands on our lecture even if we know the answer, we were just waiting for our teachers to call our names to recite, and we don't even excel even in Filipino!Our sports teacher would frequently persuade us to join them on their games. Angela submitted to sports afterwards and become a school runner, and as for me, I excelled in our English class.

My tita and her auntie(as she calls her) are good neighbors and she frequents her auntie's house for us to meet up. Early in the morning, I clearly remembered how she would knock on our gate to call me: "Nathan, Nathan laro na tayo" That was for me the never ending bliss for it was a time for our four-hour continuous playtime! She would ask "Naligo ka na?" and I would say"syempre no, kanina pang 7 am". It almost became a ritual; asking if I had taken a bath and replying steadily forward. I vividly remembered a scene were she and and her cousin offered me for what they called "mani."
"Kinakain to sa amin, sa Ilocus Sur eh!" her provinciano looking cousin rendered.
Of course, I had to try it. It was one of those palm-like plants that gives a monggo like morsel as a seed and reddends when it starts to ripen. I had to snip off a very small fragment so as to facilitate the removal of it when it doesn't taste good. It tasted very bitter; so bitter your mouth has to secret it its juices to dilute its numbing bitterness. I spat it. Good thing i hadn't stuffed it all in my mouth. On the other hand, Angela and her cousin enjoyed it. Like munching a piece of jellystick-sweet and chewy-there are no withdrawals and they even swallowed it! "kadiri naman to" i told them with a mortified indignation tone of voice. They just looked at each other and staretd giggling.

We would play mataya taya, piko, sipa, volleyball-and her favorite-running which I always win on second place. She became a master of her chosen sport, oftentimes winning on a regional level. Gold and silver decorate their tidy house and irritably flaunts them on her thin neck whenever she wants to-school, wet market-even in our house. She often gets constant attention from people. "Hoy, ang talino" a stanger once told her. Little did the man know that she's a sports fanatic and not academically wise. I once told her "tingga lang naman yan eh" for I am dying of envy. She would bite back statements that shuts me for minutes like: "at least ako may achievement eh ikaw wala pa!". It's true, she has some and I have none. But, we're friends for so long to take offenses so, it's a bit "ok lang."

As for most teenagers' we were so hard-headed-just like you!
There came a time when I was hooked on computer games(supernes,sega genesis...my era). I would go to a computer station to fill-in my vice. I became a thief! Well, I only steal from my mothers purse, nothing bigtime. Coins were my only intentions but It was never enough. I got a php500 straight from my mothers purse. I decided to meet up Angela for it was too much for me to spend alone.
Eating galore!

We were eating barbecues form all chicken parts, from lean meats to innards; marshmallow from all shapes and sizes, junk food, bananacue etc.And when my mother found out her commision is missing, she went straight to a computer shop where Angela and I were munching to a game and Voila!"Nasaan ang pera?" my mother furiously asked while blocking the tv screen. We were scared to death-like facing a angel of death!.. We ran and our neighbor caught us(mga traidor!)just outside the shop. Angela scuffled away while holding a marshmallow pack on her left and a barbecue stick on her right. I was beaten up so bad. Bruises were apparent(leather belt ba naman eh) My vice stopped after my mother's disciplinary action. Our friendship didn't end there.
Were still close as ever on our grade six days as it was before but it was numbered. I learned that change is completley inevitable. After graduation, we started to part ways. She enrolled in a private high school and I decided to go to a public school.

It was quick and senseless. We started to ignore each other everytime we meet. Feels like a road is separating us instead of a wall! No hand gestures, no plastic smiles, no quirky eye movements. Nothing of a from of a discreet hi's and hello's. At first I thought it's just what preteens naturally go through: intimidation to the opposite sex, mood swings; you know, "stages of preteen development". But I was wrong. I had a hard time adapting to it. Just think of it; once your like best buddies and now your completley different strangers
What had gone wrong?

She was having another set of girl friends and I was doing the same-four sissy friends for her and four "masculine" friends for me. Just to be fair!
Our intimacy completely broke on our sophomore years, No more uneasiness when we pass by. Just plain strangers.We learned to cope with it.
Now, it's finally over, she's now bonded with her girlfriends. Clearly we had moved on-whether we liked it or not. And as I listen to the radio playing APO's song..."san na nga ba,san na nga ba, san na nga ba ang barkada ngayun, I just hope she's listening too.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

The Randomness of my Thoughts

1.
I felt betrayed, I promised myself that I would be able to find a boyfriend before the "ber" month starts. Yet, here I am trying to change things but I do not now where to start. That is crippling. Things change, but since I do not know where to start, it makes it more complicated...helpless.

I am sorry nathan if I broke my promise.


2.
I lost 7 lbs in 7 days, My body is receptive when it comes to exercise. That must've stopped hypertension dead on its track, which is slowly crawling up my heart.
45-minutes of cardio works wonders(But I've heard sex burns the same thing).

3.
I am currently enrolled at Fitness First Southmall...as if it matters...


4.
I don't feel insecure anymore and I don't feel good 'bout m'self either. Being sorrounded by blogmates who share stuffs bout their lovelife makes the insecurity a lot harder to digest. Maybe the endorphine-inducing effect of exercise hasn't kicked in yet.

5.
I am currently fantasizing about stealing sweat-soaked undies in the locker room. That makes me more pathetic once I'm discovered. What a pity.

6.
December is deadly for a couple-minded single. February is almost fatal.

7.
Still, they say you don’t kick the habit until you hit rock bottom, but how do you know when you’re there? Because no matter how badly a thing is hurting us, sometimes letting it go hurts even worse.(gray's anatomy)

8.
I admit it. I'm hopelesspatheticpessimistgodfearing individual.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

October First

I recently signed up at a local gym...somewhere inside SouthMall. And my primary goal is to lose weight and probably reverse the signs of hypertension. I won't mention my current weight.

I haven't really started started rather, later after shift would be my official first day. 'Don't care 'bout the happenings inside the sauna. Im gonna miss my bilbil bigtime. And the plump cheeks that accentuate my roundish face...the pig belly...goodbye lard!

Time to celebrate the soon-to-be-coveted figure. watch out!

I forgot, this is a pig-out day. Not a good start...

Friday, September 21, 2007

Pleasure and Pain

Like most of you, I want to release my inhibitions. I want to explore the flora and fauna of sex. Yes, you've read it right. Sex
I have so many fetishes, I cannot determine as to what to try first.
I want to purchase Aneros (google it!) that "thing" is made to massage the prostate, doing so creates a feeling of out-of-world orgasm. I want to wear it while I'm on my way to work. I would squeeze my kegels to tense the anal muscles and relax it to rub the product against my prostate,and create the most pleasurable feeling. Panting and writhing in pleasure while trying to suppress my libido on a moving jeepney is a thriller. I would discreetly lick my sweat on my arms while holding the railings to further build the tension...But Aneros costs around 6k. I'll try to use a candle to save money though. Or I'll use a well-lubed finger to do it manually. But still, Aneros is my topmost-priority-fetish...
...and a butt-plug
...and a vib
...and and electrostim machine
soo many to choose from. only one to satisfy me...boyfriend

Monday, September 10, 2007




That is Mat Kearney's song All I need. Listen to it's lyrics and feel the rhythm of the song. You might appreciate it. Besides, the mood of the song is something that I have been feeling for the past week now.
A message to Nathan.

You look so dead today! If I know, it has something to do with your crushie being married to a girl right?! But, who would've thought about it; a very fairy gay guy is Married?! That means your out of his business again. Fuck right?! I know how it feels. Courtship is an entry point not the end of the world. Cheer up! I know it feels so good getting up after being beaten black and blue. Tell yourself that it's all ok...

to quote a great line from GA...this is for you:

"Why do we keep hitting ourselves with a hammer on the head?"
because it feels soo good when it stops.."

--meredith grey(grey's anatomy)

Time heals all wounds too...and JAPAN
Just
Always
Pray
At
Night

bullshit!

Blogging to a way of life

All my entries should now be written in English. I made a pact with the universe that in order for me to be ok'd by Adsense, I need to write everything that uses our "universal" languange(love ata tinutukoy ko no?!) to generate readership. But the problem is: How do I start?

Friday, September 7, 2007

waaaaaa

nakialam kasi ako ng blog ko eh, yan tuloy messed up na!!
waaaaaaaaaaaa!

panu sya mababago!! helf!!! gusto ko yung dating design. maliit lang ung font...

:(

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Change

'Lam ko na.


Kasalanan ko rin pala kung bakit wala pa akung boyfriend eh. Manhid ako.


Ito ang parating komento sa aking ng mga officemates ko pagdating sa emosyon ko.Bato. Manhid. Walang puso.


Akala lang nila! Mahiyain lang ako at medyo takot sa mga social gatherings. Sa insecurity ko na naman ang dahilan. Pero ayaw ko ng mainsecure. Promise. Biased sa "kasamaan" at negativity ang mga naisulat ko dito. May mga part din naman sa buhay ko na maganda, di ko lang sila pinapansin dahil...well...ok naman sila. Magde-dwell ako ngayun sa mga magagandang nangyayari for a change...


Magbilang tayo ngayun nga mga voyz...


...sa Ortigas ako nagtatrabaho, sa isang...uhm...ok, SVI Connect. Verizon ang account. Telemarketer kumbaga. May isa akung ka wavemate na malapit sa akin...fast forward. zooooooooooooom


Sinabi nya sa akin na bading daw sya(pake ko ba?!) at di ko sya gusto kasi wala namang spark ang namagitan sa aming dalawa, sinabihan nya ako na gusto daw nyang manirahan kame sa isang apartment dahil daw makakatipid sa pamasahe dahil pareho kaming malayo sa Ortigas, amicable naman ang pakikitungo ko sa kanya, pero nag iba ang defense ko nung sabihan nya ako na gusto daw nyang maka "domestic partnership" ako. Eh ako naman kasi si tanga sabi ko "ayaw ko, di ko gusto ang ideya mo, anu yun parang magasawa?!"


Kinaumagahan. Di na nagpakita. Nagfile ng immediate resignation. Limot ko na ang pangalan nya. O, sige na nga. BATO ako.


After two years of bumhood. Nandito sa Alabang. Inbound agent...


Alam nyo naman siguro na gusto ka ng ka-eye contact mo kapag...well..nag kontakan kayo sa mga mata...

Nasa ibang department sya. Sprint. Hmmmm, siguro mga 5'4 sya...basta gusto ko konti. Kapag nagkikita kame sa office, di maiwasang magkalagkitan ng tingin; di alam kung sino ang magfifirst move. Pareho siguro kameng torpe. Di nya lang alam kung paano ako kinakabahan kapag nakikita ko sya. Pakiramdam ko kasi may mangyayaring mali kapag umaksyon ako. Walang napahiya kasi walang nangyari...perpekto na sanang okasyon nung nasa SM kame, nasa phone booth ako at tumabi sya sa kabilang phone habang nakangiting tumitingin sa akin...lam kung nakatingin kasi sagap sya ng periphery ko, basta ganun. Siguro alam nya rin na napakarelaks ng atmospera dun at bagay sa chitchat. Pero dahil si Nathan nga ang pinaguusapan natin dito, as usual walang nangyari. Di ko na nakita yung taong yun. Nanaman. O sige, tangang manhid na...


Yung third and last ko naman na "experience" sa mga voyz ang nangyari sa alabang din.


Pareho kame ng account...limot ko na rin ang pangalan nya(pagdating talaga sa mga ngalan ng tao, mabilis ko silang makalimutan). Sya ung taong parating niyaya akung kumain kapag nagkikita kame; parating nagyayaya na umuweng magkasabay;Parateng nagha-hi kapag nagkakasalubong kame; gustong-gustong manlibre...Lahat ng sagot ko sa kanya kapag may mga yaya eh: "ayaw ko, may hinihintay akung kaibigan eh kaw na lang," mangungulit ng ilang beses at ngingiti na lang at tatalikod at di ko napansin...umalis na sya. Namiss ko tuloy siya

Sa mga panahong mangyari ulet ang mga pagkakataong tulad ng ganun di ko na palalampasin, kaya anthony of alabang, I will make my intentions clear...mind if we go out for a while?


Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Plateau

darkness beyond darkness pitch
deeper than the deeper light
lord of darkness shining like gold upon sea of chaos
I swear my self to thee
Let the fools who stand by me be destroyed
by the power of you and I posses!

-lina inverse


Tangina, 2 mins na lang trabaho na ako. burned-out na ako sa trabaho at nagbabalak mag leave ng at least two weeks. basta out of work, kahit walang magawa, basta walang exhaustion.
Nasa plateau stage ako ng buhay ko, lahat naka hold, stagnant, boring.

....................................

Jos ko ang dami ko pang sinabi!! Di ko lang naman nakita ang crush ko.Ewan!

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Mga pangarap ko...

After two years stuck pa rin ako sa call center. Nakakabore na talaga ang idea na araw araw sinasabi mo ang pareparehong canned responses sa customer mo. Pero maganda naman ang salary, so habang nandito pa ako, nagbabalak akong gamitin ang aking naipundar na kayamanan sa mas kanaisnais na adhikain.

Una:

Gusto kong magaral ulet, kahit anung kurso basta't law o medicine(gulo no?!). Gusto ko ring gumawa na sarili kong kasuotan-tshirt,maong pants at sapatos. Pakiramdam ko nga kailangan kung manirahan sa Marikina para matutunan ang paggawa ng sapatos. Tapos ibenta ko kasi ako ang gumawa, at wag ka, maganda ata ang mga idea ko! Di lang yan, gusto kong magaral ng kursong nippongo, kasi nga medyo mahilig din ako sa anime. Tapos susuutin ko ang mga gawa ko sa office at magpapasikat habang nagsasalita ng Japanese(magmumuka ata akong tanga nun...)

Pangalawa:

Gusto kong magkaron ng maraming orkidyas sa bahay namin para magmukhang malamig at
maaliwalas ang kapaligiran. Pakiramdam ko kasi kapag nagkaganun, magiging mala rainforest ang paligid namin, kaya malamig talaga, pero ganun nga ba yun?
Ah basta mas maraming halaman sa paligid mas maganda! Makakapagemote pa ako sa kanta ni Madonna na Rain habang umuulan at nasa ilalim ng akong sariling ecosystem. Wag lang umulan ng linggo, kakalungkot yun eh...


Pangatlo:

Gusto kong maging propesyonal na blogger na kumikita ng 6-thou dollars kada buwan(illusyonada ba ako?!), sa ganung paraan maalis ko ang karamihan ng insecurity sa sarili ko at matulungan ang mga taong napapangitan sa sarili nila na maging mas maayos. Syempre, gagawin ko yun ng libre, mas masarap ata ang pakiramdam ng tumulong kesa sa natulungan!

Pangapat:

Gusto ko ng magaral magmasahe. Three hundred to Five hundred pesos ang bayad kaya sa mga masseur kada oras!(minsan may tip pa!) Pantawid gutom din yun ba! At siempre, magseserbisyo lang ako kada day-off ko. Sa panahon ngayun, wala kang mabubunggong pera kapag nakatunganga ka at gagamitin ko yung pera binayad ng mga customer ko pambili ng roasted chicken. Simpleng pangarap pero swabeh...

Panglima:

Maging all-around technician. Mapa cellphone man yan o kaya Ibook kaya kung gawan ng paraan para maayos. Alam ko maraming bokasyonal na paaralan ang nag ooper nito...Sa paligid natin na puro teknolohiya dapat alam ko kung paano sila aayusin kapag nasira sila. Baka bigyan pa ako ng mayaman kong customer ng notebook sa sobrang tuwa nya sa serbisyo ko...


Hanngang dun na lang muna. Ang daming pangarap na gusto kong tuparin, tutal bata pa naman ako at marami pang magagawa. Paisaisa ko silang sisimulan.

Shet, wala na pala akung pondo. Teka, magtatrabaho muna ako ulet para makaipon...mararating ko ang lahat ng yun...

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Things that I can't leave without

I spend most of my time strolling 'round SouthMall after work to lessen the stress factor that my "career" brings in. And I haven't really noticed the personal things that I always bring with me. Aside from the fact that my bag carries all the dirt associated with me carrying it, inside, where most of my confidence dwells in should be inspected carefully. I depend on them everytime I need some refreshing. I pay respect to this unanimated objects that makes me go gaga without them. I owe 60% of my confidence to them.

I would like you to meet:

1. Oral hygiene products.

It includes toothbrush(the basic), toothpaste(op cors), tongue scraper(for fresher breath), floss(inter-cleaning chorva) and mouthwash to exterminate germs in my oral flora and fauna. This is the only reason why I can talk to anyone with a flash of smile plastered on my face. Since I love people who has the same attribute as mine when it comes to dental health , I put oral hygiene on my topmost priority

*currently listening to fergie...*

2. Clean & Clear Facial Wash.

Dirt and grime DO accumulate. Given my oily face equivalent to being submerged in lard, my face needs to be "stripped" off of this OILS. Nothing beats my oiliness(okay, exaggeration).
I need to be fresh everytime I venture out of the Gay world. And it feels sooo good after a cool wash.

...clarity. peace, serenity...

3. Clean & Clear Oil Control Film

In between facial washes, there are times when you just need remove traces of oil lingering around you forehead, nose and chin. Washing your face again will do more harm than good. Blot it. Your face will exude freshness in an instant.

... and I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket...

4. An 8x4 inch mirror

I know it's large. But's it's better than cramming your wide face on a typical face mirror. The only downside is that it attracts attention. Nothing beats full view.

...don't cry, don't cry...

5. Paper-towel-I-got-from-the-office

As you might've experienced, lbm can strike anytime. A paper towel can save your face from shame, but a tissue can do the job after #2 but imagine how delicate the fiber is...and then SOME poop on your fingers...Horrible. You will thanks Mr. Papertowel from cleaning you up. The best thing is that it's disposable. You can throw it away after achoooo unlike typical hankies. I think you get the point.

...the smell on you skin lingers on me now...


Now you've known them. You might want to thank them for making me feel better.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Shit!

Twenty-three years old na ako at single pa rin.

Masyado akung na overwhelm sa aking insecurity noon at ngayung kailangan ng magsimula ng bago.

At sa lahat ng bagay may simula.

sisimulan ko na.

mamaya.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Darkness in me(naman!)

This is the thing that I hate the most: being lonely and unwanted.

Here I am again, writing the pureness of my heart on a keyboard. I felt like a pimple unwanted but a stand-out. Things happen when you are ugly and depressed, sometimes you want to inject somthing in your vein to forget the worries and feel human again. I don't have much friends and I am still looking for someone to expand my horizon. I am young, virile and capable of loving but I am not im my full bloom. Not yet.


The hardest part of dealing with pain is dealing with it. There is no way to let it out. you just have to stay put and make "tiis." You can pray for heavens to bless your holy heart and forget the worries. You have so much things going in your head. Worries, dread, darkness.
Sometimes it's better to be pessimistic; just for you to be ready fo the outcome-expecting the worst.

And your friends can offer help when time comes but when they leave, your on your own again. Im writing this blog in reference to the feelings that I can't contain. Shout all you can to extinguish your dread! I am so far behind from the pangarap-provoked masa. All I see is black. I am the negative me.confused

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Let's insecurity ourself!

Anu na lang ang mararamdaman mo kapag lahat ng bestfriends mo naka dalawa o tatlo ng boyfriends at 'kaw la pa ni isa?
Ang saya no?!

Ganito ang nararamdaman ko sa lahat sa mga "former friends" ko.At ABA!, maraming tao nag bumibisita sa profile nya sa _____ na gustong magpakilala o makipagmeet at ako di simpleng hi! or hello! man lang wala!

Bitter na nga ako insecure pa! grrrr!

Di naman ko talaga ganito, naging adult lang kaya nagkamulat sa buhay. Easy-go lucky kasi ang personality ko,kahit panlalait naididivert ko pa sa pagiging kakatwa, yun tuloy,think everybody thinks that ako ang look-a-like ni "kwan". Tangina! Bf lang naman ang hanap ko eh, nasa itsura ba ang basehan ng "meaningful relationship?!"

Tapos nakakita pa ako ng magagandang couple paguwi galing work.
Haaaay, nasa byuti nga ata ang basehan.

At ito pa, may gana pang sabihin ni bestfriend mo kung ano ang mga ginawa nila habang nasa mall sila, considering the fact na alam ng best mo na ayaw mo syang marinig dahil alam nya ang lahat na sinulat mo sa diary mo na naglalaman ng "mabuti at masama."

Di naman ako panget(kamuka lang daw ni "kwan"), pag-ibig lang naman hanap ko. At mga bestfriend wag na kayung magpayo na kung anu-ano dahil lahat lang naman ng sentimyento nyo ay "ok lang yan" at "wag mo kasing intindihin" ekek. Ako naman si ngiting aso kapag sinasabi nya ang pinakamaliligayang araw nila. Kontrabida ba ako?

Buti na lang sa lahat ng mga nakakilala ko may isang tao na nakakintinde sa akin- Jerome,my "other" bestfriend on the same circle. Siguro dahil ala din siyang bf kaya nakakarelate sia. Sino pa nga ba ang mapaghihingahan ko ng basura sa puso ko?Ahh, alam ko na, mga Magulang ko! Pasalamat na lang kung di ako pinatay sa bugbog dahil sa "kabaklaan" ko. Isa pa wala naman akong masyadung friends. Lahat sila di pedeng sabihan ng dilemna ko, kung ginawa ko siguro un, mawawalan ata ko ng pride.

Pede ba bestfriend, wag mung sabihin sa akin kung ano ang mga pinagdaraanan nyo dahil naaasar ako sa sarili ko dahil sa inggit! Di ka rin naman makakatulong sa problema ko, dahil IKAW ang mismong problema. Di nyo kasi alam kung papano maging wallflower tulad ko! Halos lahat ng mga lalake gusto sa inyo, Ayaw ko na kayung maging kaibigan kung wala man lang na kahit na emosyonal sa supporta ang makukuha sa inyo.

Ang sarap isipin na ang babaw ng problema ko, mababaw nga pero masyadung malalim ang sakit.
"Ayaw ko na!Nod na lang ako ng cine para sumaya" sabi ng insecure self ko.

"Zsa Zsa Zaturnah!" bulalas naman ng inggit persona ko
So what's my point?

Wala lang. Nageemote.
(isang side lang yan ng dilemna ko. At syempre wag na munang bilangin ang mga blessing ko kasi dumarami na ren ang mga yun. Namismiss ko lang ang mga insecurities ko/lopsided view yan ng darkheart ko)

Monday, August 6, 2007

three things(ma try nga)

I was tagged by

Coming Out . . . Almost! and i would like to thank you for doing so, it makes me feel I'm a part of the blogworld hehe...

Three Things


Three things that scare me:

drowning
burned at the stake
being alone


Three people who makes me laugh:

corny text messages
cheesy love quotes
chinese movies: jetli-with-a-scarf-for-a weapon vs isang battalion kind o'thang


Three things I love:

writing
daydreaming
being looked at

Three things I hate:

being called BAKLA! while peacefully walking
people who call themselves bitch
friends-who-seem-to-disappear-bec-of-their busy-lovelife

Three things I don’t understand:

how powerful the pulsar is
how the blackhole traps light
Why I am still alone...


Three things on my desk:

my girbaud bag
non-spill mug(im in a call center)
Pc


Three things I am doing right now:

explaining the bill to a customer
surfing the net illegally while
Working


Three things I want to do before I die:

to be Bill Gate-y rich and be a philanthropist
plant more trees
to see Pasig river clean


Three things I can do:

swim
lose weight drastically within 2 weeks (vegetarian diet+swimming="breathe thin" method)
focus all my will-power on doing things i want to do

Three things I can’t do:

give a convincing lie
work while not surfing the net
not procrastinate


Three things I think you should listen to:

mat kearney_all I need
Anna Nalick_breathe
parent's advise


Three things you should never listen to:

marilyn manson songs/interview
false accusations
thoughts that are meant to hurt your self esteem


Three things I would like to learn:

how to draw anime
how to lip read
how to maximize the use of my brain



Three favorite foods:

isaw
longganisang maraming bawang(bulacan ata tawag dun eh)
inihaw na bangus belly


Three shows I watched as a kid:

sailormoon
julio at julia
La Traidora(Marimar's predecessor)
Three people I am tagging:

datswhy
southdude
pulsar


gosh, ang herap mag aydit!

Thursday, August 2, 2007

The sweetest word/phrase that I'd like to hear would not be "I love U" nor "I miss you"I am not even religious but this verse has a certain appeal to it.It would be a verse in the Bible from Ruth:

"Wag mo akung pakiusapan na iwan, 'ni talikdan ang pagsama sayo, sapagkat kung san ka paroroon ay 'dun ako paroroon, kung san ka magpapalipas ng gabi ay 'don ako magpapalipas ng gabi, ang iyong bayan ay aking magiging bayan, at ang iyong diyos ay aking dyos, kung saan ka mamatay ay dun ako mamamatay...tanging kamatayan lang ang makapaghihiwalay sa akin at sayo.

I dreamt of having someone said those phrases to me and I literally cried my heart and soul out. And I continued crying after waking up.


It's better spoken in Tagalog to feel its "power."

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Jerome


I would like to let you know that your my living diary; who knows all of my darkest insecurity. "Others" doesn't know about this because your my mirror image-figuratively. Some people might think of you as a weirdo and numb, but that numbness is your way of absorbing my fears, I feel your disappointment when I am lonely. Your fear becomes mine. Your as misunderstood as I am. The advice that you give me has always been comforting.
I cry and you understand why.
"Others" can't seem to know how I feel.
And everytime I experience a chilling loneliness, you're the warmth I feel inside.


P.s dapat so future boyfriend ang post na to eh, since wala pa, sa 'yo ko muna i-didivert ang emotion ko. Sana 'kaw na muna ang "makahanap" bago ako para maging "fair" sa 'yo, since virgin ka since fetus!

Monday, July 30, 2007

isa pang insecurity

Please bear with me. The statement your about to "hear"are selfishly written, no scratch that, you'll hear tons of pure insecurity. I have never attempted to write my feelings on paper, primarily because I'm ashamed to admit thatI need to face my fear;the fear of being left out, especially within your circle of friends.
For the first time in my life, I can liberally say that I have a burning hate on Walter and Patrick, because I'm jealous on what they have. what they had, and what they will be having. I mean, we've been friends for years to take offense from each other but somehow, there are things that are inbetween that are unspoken of, like you hate yourself for not being commended on...

Oh stop it! I'm just fooling myself!

The real thing is that, I hate them because the always get noticed by posting their pics on gaysites; they get tons of email from people all over the web because they are wanted; they
could get away from a bad hair day because it looks good on them; they can a post a shoutout and still be heard and my features were nothing compared to them.
You might think of my problem as a useless, nonsense and stupid dilemna by these small things make up Nathan, Me. Maybe you can relate. Do you know how it feels to be the "absorber" of their happiness when they get an email from someone they like. Should I be happy for them when someone asks them for a date. Don't they know that I feel insecurity towards them and I badly needed their attention at the same time.
I don't have the guts to tell my feelings to my friends. Not now, maybe they'll never know. They should not know! What do you think they'll do...? Oh wait, an idea just popped into my head they'll tell me: "Ano ka ba? Insecure ka lang! Wag mo kasing intindihin..."(that's their usual response). Sounds uplifting right? I'm not expecting an immediate response from them. I'm not waiting to be heard. And that's the root of my problem.
I'm too scared to admit that I wanted someone or something in my life I always project a confident, don't-touch-me persona. But that is not me. My closest friends think of me as a toughie--able to handle rejections confidently and can withstand intense social pressure. Years of pretentious has surely made me a parasite. I am eating myself up.

There is hope, I assume

Patrick told me that I should know my value, that I'm capable of loving someone other that just a person looking for plain sex. I found that idea warming . He's actually correct and maybe I'm not internalizing what he's telling me. Most people go for looks as basis for a "good relationship" (which I don't have by the way) but in the end your personality and charm will work it's way on top of the relationship priority.
I JUST THINK THAT IT'S ALL UNFAIR! WHATEVER!
Patrick recieves a lot of phone calles from anyone; Walter seems to be the "Mr textfrienship", and I did post my cellphone number on the same website and the only one that texts me is the network. Clearly, I am not marketed as an internet socialite but, Don't I deserve notice as well? Do they know that I wanted to tell them that "naiingit ako".
Oh my,being single and ugly has lots of dilemna more that you can withstand!
The most painful thing this just happened today, June 6th 2006

No, Patrick didn't die of anything!

I received a text message from him, he said that he just got a new relationship from someone- a georgous writer-and how am i suppose to take it in?!
I cannot say that I am happy for him because I'm dying of jealousy. I really hate him for this. I just wish I could just disappear from sight and hopefuly upon my return from "somewhere" all my hate would be erased. I wanted to be hurt physically that be tormented emotionally from this chilling loneliness.
I hate you Patrick because I can never be like you. How i wish for you to feel all the darkness that had accumulated inside of me. You can never feel the same emotion I harbor. Good thing your not like me, because if you are, I can never help you . Everything you have needs to rot. It should start now!
I need to remove myself from your memory. It will be you and walter that I need to destroy mentally because you have a relationship that most people long for, including me.
And for me to "treat" this feeling. I bid you goodbye. Please just remove me from your past. I'll never be like you.

insecurity

Ito na namam ako, In-love sa taong di ako kilala at magiging problema ko na naman ito dahil di ko kayang kontrolin. Ayaw ko na, wala naman kcng patutunguhan ang drama ko. masochista lang cguro ako, gusto ko ang mga drama, mga heartaches at mga larong walang patutunguhan dahil alam kung luhaan at sugatan ako sa huli. Parati namang ganun ang pinatutunguhan ng lovestory ko, teka, wala pa pala akung love!
Drama ko no?! naiirita na nga ako minsan sa sarili ko eh. puro emote sa kama bago matulog at aakalain paggicng kinaumgahan eh, nanjan na labas ang prince charming ko. Kailan ko ba mamahalin ang sarili ko, ayaw kung mamuhay sa mundong puro regret at pagaalipusta sa sarili. Ang daming kailangang baguhin, di mo alam kung paano sisimulan, kung tutuusin sarili mo lang naman ang problema mo, panu pa kaya kung lahat ng "mundo" sumugod, eh di lantutay ka na pagkatapos.
San ba ako nagkulang?
Di ba kapag may nakaktingin kang tao habang naglalakad, lalo't na kapag feel mong magemote eh, tapos nagkatinginan kayo ng taong tinitingnan mo--pagibig na ba yon? May mutual instinct kayo na "dapat batiin ko cia at least" sa isa't isa. Torpe din pala ako. Di ko kayang makipagtitigan sa tao na matagal, insecure kasi ako eh. Kung ginawa ko kaya un eh may magbubungang mabuti? Ma try nga minsan, naiinip na kasi akung nagiisa, tutal nagiisa ka lang naman at kung mapahiya ka--nagiisa ka rin!
Gusto ko din namang maranasan ang mahalin at mahalikan(sabi sa yo' eh emote mode ako). Bentre tres anyos na ako at wala pang karanasan sa tunay na pagibig. Nakakahiya sa kaibigan ko dahil pinepressure na nya akung maghanap ng "tunay na pagbig". Cguro sa panahong ito, intay na lang muna. Kailangan ko pang daigin ang mga kalaban ko tutal isa rin naman akung Knight in shining armor na hinahanap ng iba.

sulat 10 years from now(gaya gaya mode)

Sulat ko sayo ten years from now

Naaalala mo pa ba ako?

"Haller" si Nathan to(sikat pa ba ang "haller" na word sa panahon mo?). Kamusta ka na, sana masaya ka sa situation mo. At higit sa lahat, sana wala na ang hidden insecurity mo. Mataba ka pa rin ba? Natatawa nga ako kapag nakikita ko ang mga pic mo sa internet kasi ang daming nagbago. Parati mo kasing naiisip na nagiisa ka, na napakapanget mo. Ngayun alam na siguro na isa kang loveable at gwapong tao(sumusuka na na no!) Nakaset na siguro ang lahat ng priorities mo, nagugulat nga ako sa tagumpay na natatamo mo! Mr Writer na globetrotter ka na. Wooohooo! Diba, kaibigan mo dati sila Walter, Patrick, at Jonjon (naparetoke na ba?) Anu na kaya ang nangyari dun, wag ka sanang malungkot dahil di mo naman kasalanan na nawala sila, mutual desisyon yun kumbaga.
Ang sarap sigurong mabuhay sa kinalalagyan mo ngayun. Ikaw ang taong puno ng mga pangarap at halos araw-araw nag-dedeydream ng mga trabahong maganda ang tunog at mataas ang sweldo. Alam mo ang magandang gawin? Tigilan ang walang kwentang mga paguubos ng panahon sa pangarap at gawin ang gusto ng puso!

Sa pagkakaalam ko, 'kaw ung taong di tumitigil sa isang bagay hanggat di mo nakukuha. Sana ganun ka pa rin sa ngayun. At syempre di mo rin makakalimutan na minsan nagtrabaho ka sa isang companya na akala mo panghabangbuhay-call center. At alam ko rin naman ang hirap na pinagdaanan mo lalo't ng pagiisa mo.

Sino na ang boyfriend mo ngayun? Panu kayo nagkakilala? At, masaya ka ba sya sa piling mo?(joke!) Si essie kamusta na,speaking of which, dapat parating intouch sa mga taong nakasalamuha mo dahil ang mga taong naging kaibigan mo ang magsisilbing ikaw ngayon. Malamang si Essie, maganda na rin ang buhay at masaya sa piling nga kanyang asawa, si Arvin. Sigurado ako, marami ding anak yun ang medyo nalosyang na(hehe).

At kamustahin mo ako sa mama at tatay mo. Sana malakas pa sila.

O panu ba yan hanggang dito na lang muna. Kailangan ko pang magtrabaho.

Pero tandaan mo, mahalin mo ang sarili mo, dahil mahal kita.

walang kwenta!

Can you remain single for the rest of your life and yet remain as happy like a couple?
I am losing hope. I am a "bit" pessimistic.I simply don't want to dwell on the overflowing emotings hovering over me. And the emotions were not good. Pessimissm.
Singularity enables us to feed our utmost desire, it feeds our heart for the longing to be loved and be loved in return. Given my current insecurity, which i doubt will I ever overcome, there is no getting away with it. So in the meantime, my being single is on a stale plate. Which is exactly the reason I am looking for someone to love.
Pessimissm makes me hope for the worst and fear the most dreadful.
One word: Playing safe.
I am not really good with rejection because I have yet not treaded the one-disappointment-after-the-other scenario yet. I am soo scared that if my confidence crumbles to dust, rebuilding it is next to impossible.
I never had a suitor. I never had a nightlife. Nobody would want to approach me because of my horrible image. Nobody asks about my whereabouts. No one wants to hear about my current lovelife. Well, who would? I am a person who has lots of bad/ugly things than good ones. I will never be a gift to someone else nor a knight and shininng armore. Nathan, gumising ka, tangina mo. bakit ang panget mo?!!
I guess I just have to accept the fact that not all people are gifted with a soulmate/lover.
No more drama and I hate myself.