isa pang insecurity

Please bear with me. The statement your about to "hear"are selfishly written, no scratch that, you'll hear tons of pure insecurity. I have never attempted to write my feelings on paper, primarily because I'm ashamed to admit thatI need to face my fear;the fear of being left out, especially within your circle of friends.
For the first time in my life, I can liberally say that I have a burning hate on Walter and Patrick, because I'm jealous on what they have. what they had, and what they will be having. I mean, we've been friends for years to take offense from each other but somehow, there are things that are inbetween that are unspoken of, like you hate yourself for not being commended on...

Oh stop it! I'm just fooling myself!

The real thing is that, I hate them because the always get noticed by posting their pics on gaysites; they get tons of email from people all over the web because they are wanted; they
could get away from a bad hair day because it looks good on them; they can a post a shoutout and still be heard and my features were nothing compared to them.
You might think of my problem as a useless, nonsense and stupid dilemna by these small things make up Nathan, Me. Maybe you can relate. Do you know how it feels to be the "absorber" of their happiness when they get an email from someone they like. Should I be happy for them when someone asks them for a date. Don't they know that I feel insecurity towards them and I badly needed their attention at the same time.
I don't have the guts to tell my feelings to my friends. Not now, maybe they'll never know. They should not know! What do you think they'll do...? Oh wait, an idea just popped into my head they'll tell me: "Ano ka ba? Insecure ka lang! Wag mo kasing intindihin..."(that's their usual response). Sounds uplifting right? I'm not expecting an immediate response from them. I'm not waiting to be heard. And that's the root of my problem.
I'm too scared to admit that I wanted someone or something in my life I always project a confident, don't-touch-me persona. But that is not me. My closest friends think of me as a toughie--able to handle rejections confidently and can withstand intense social pressure. Years of pretentious has surely made me a parasite. I am eating myself up.

There is hope, I assume

Patrick told me that I should know my value, that I'm capable of loving someone other that just a person looking for plain sex. I found that idea warming . He's actually correct and maybe I'm not internalizing what he's telling me. Most people go for looks as basis for a "good relationship" (which I don't have by the way) but in the end your personality and charm will work it's way on top of the relationship priority.
I JUST THINK THAT IT'S ALL UNFAIR! WHATEVER!
Patrick recieves a lot of phone calles from anyone; Walter seems to be the "Mr textfrienship", and I did post my cellphone number on the same website and the only one that texts me is the network. Clearly, I am not marketed as an internet socialite but, Don't I deserve notice as well? Do they know that I wanted to tell them that "naiingit ako".
Oh my,being single and ugly has lots of dilemna more that you can withstand!
The most painful thing this just happened today, June 6th 2006

No, Patrick didn't die of anything!

I received a text message from him, he said that he just got a new relationship from someone- a georgous writer-and how am i suppose to take it in?!
I cannot say that I am happy for him because I'm dying of jealousy. I really hate him for this. I just wish I could just disappear from sight and hopefuly upon my return from "somewhere" all my hate would be erased. I wanted to be hurt physically that be tormented emotionally from this chilling loneliness.
I hate you Patrick because I can never be like you. How i wish for you to feel all the darkness that had accumulated inside of me. You can never feel the same emotion I harbor. Good thing your not like me, because if you are, I can never help you . Everything you have needs to rot. It should start now!
I need to remove myself from your memory. It will be you and walter that I need to destroy mentally because you have a relationship that most people long for, including me.
And for me to "treat" this feeling. I bid you goodbye. Please just remove me from your past. I'll never be like you.