isa pang insecurity

Please bear with me. The statement your about to "hear"are selfishly written, no scratch that, you'll hear tons of pure insecurity. I have never attempted to write my feelings on paper, primarily because I'm ashamed to admit thatI need to face my fear;the fear of being left out, especially within your circle of friends.
For the first time in my life, I can liberally say that I have a burning hate on Walter and Patrick, because I'm jealous on what they have. what they had, and what they will be having. I mean, we've been friends for years to take offense from each other but somehow, there are things that are inbetween that are unspoken of, like you hate yourself for not being commended on...

Oh stop it! I'm just fooling myself!

The real thing is that, I hate them because the always get noticed by posting their pics on gaysites; they get tons of email from people all over the web because they are wanted; they
could get away from a bad hair day because it looks good on them; they can a post a shoutout and still be heard and my features were nothing compared to them.
You might think of my problem as a useless, nonsense and stupid dilemna by these small things make up Nathan, Me. Maybe you can relate. Do you know how it feels to be the "absorber" of their happiness when they get an email from someone they like. Should I be happy for them when someone asks them for a date. Don't they know that I feel insecurity towards them and I badly needed their attention at the same time.
I don't have the guts to tell my feelings to my friends. Not now, maybe they'll never know. They should not know! What do you think they'll do...? Oh wait, an idea just popped into my head they'll tell me: "Ano ka ba? Insecure ka lang! Wag mo kasing intindihin..."(that's their usual response). Sounds uplifting right? I'm not expecting an immediate response from them. I'm not waiting to be heard. And that's the root of my problem.
I'm too scared to admit that I wanted someone or something in my life I always project a confident, don't-touch-me persona. But that is not me. My closest friends think of me as a toughie--able to handle rejections confidently and can withstand intense social pressure. Years of pretentious has surely made me a parasite. I am eating myself up.

There is hope, I assume

Patrick told me that I should know my value, that I'm capable of loving someone other that just a person looking for plain sex. I found that idea warming . He's actually correct and maybe I'm not internalizing what he's telling me. Most people go for looks as basis for a "good relationship" (which I don't have by the way) but in the end your personality and charm will work it's way on top of the relationship priority.
I JUST THINK THAT IT'S ALL UNFAIR! WHATEVER!
Patrick recieves a lot of phone calles from anyone; Walter seems to be the "Mr textfrienship", and I did post my cellphone number on the same website and the only one that texts me is the network. Clearly, I am not marketed as an internet socialite but, Don't I deserve notice as well? Do they know that I wanted to tell them that "naiingit ako".
Oh my,being single and ugly has lots of dilemna more that you can withstand!
The most painful thing this just happened today, June 6th 2006

No, Patrick didn't die of anything!

I received a text message from him, he said that he just got a new relationship from someone- a georgous writer-and how am i suppose to take it in?!
I cannot say that I am happy for him because I'm dying of jealousy. I really hate him for this. I just wish I could just disappear from sight and hopefuly upon my return from "somewhere" all my hate would be erased. I wanted to be hurt physically that be tormented emotionally from this chilling loneliness.
I hate you Patrick because I can never be like you. How i wish for you to feel all the darkness that had accumulated inside of me. You can never feel the same emotion I harbor. Good thing your not like me, because if you are, I can never help you . Everything you have needs to rot. It should start now!
I need to remove myself from your memory. It will be you and walter that I need to destroy mentally because you have a relationship that most people long for, including me.
And for me to "treat" this feeling. I bid you goodbye. Please just remove me from your past. I'll never be like you.

insecurity

Ito na namam ako, In-love sa taong di ako kilala at magiging problema ko na naman ito dahil di ko kayang kontrolin. Ayaw ko na, wala naman kcng patutunguhan ang drama ko. masochista lang cguro ako, gusto ko ang mga drama, mga heartaches at mga larong walang patutunguhan dahil alam kung luhaan at sugatan ako sa huli. Parati namang ganun ang pinatutunguhan ng lovestory ko, teka, wala pa pala akung love!
Drama ko no?! naiirita na nga ako minsan sa sarili ko eh. puro emote sa kama bago matulog at aakalain paggicng kinaumgahan eh, nanjan na labas ang prince charming ko. Kailan ko ba mamahalin ang sarili ko, ayaw kung mamuhay sa mundong puro regret at pagaalipusta sa sarili. Ang daming kailangang baguhin, di mo alam kung paano sisimulan, kung tutuusin sarili mo lang naman ang problema mo, panu pa kaya kung lahat ng "mundo" sumugod, eh di lantutay ka na pagkatapos.
San ba ako nagkulang?
Di ba kapag may nakaktingin kang tao habang naglalakad, lalo't na kapag feel mong magemote eh, tapos nagkatinginan kayo ng taong tinitingnan mo--pagibig na ba yon? May mutual instinct kayo na "dapat batiin ko cia at least" sa isa't isa. Torpe din pala ako. Di ko kayang makipagtitigan sa tao na matagal, insecure kasi ako eh. Kung ginawa ko kaya un eh may magbubungang mabuti? Ma try nga minsan, naiinip na kasi akung nagiisa, tutal nagiisa ka lang naman at kung mapahiya ka--nagiisa ka rin!
Gusto ko din namang maranasan ang mahalin at mahalikan(sabi sa yo' eh emote mode ako). Bentre tres anyos na ako at wala pang karanasan sa tunay na pagibig. Nakakahiya sa kaibigan ko dahil pinepressure na nya akung maghanap ng "tunay na pagbig". Cguro sa panahong ito, intay na lang muna. Kailangan ko pang daigin ang mga kalaban ko tutal isa rin naman akung Knight in shining armor na hinahanap ng iba.

sulat 10 years from now(gaya gaya mode)

Sulat ko sayo ten years from now

Naaalala mo pa ba ako?

"Haller" si Nathan to(sikat pa ba ang "haller" na word sa panahon mo?). Kamusta ka na, sana masaya ka sa situation mo. At higit sa lahat, sana wala na ang hidden insecurity mo. Mataba ka pa rin ba? Natatawa nga ako kapag nakikita ko ang mga pic mo sa internet kasi ang daming nagbago. Parati mo kasing naiisip na nagiisa ka, na napakapanget mo. Ngayun alam na siguro na isa kang loveable at gwapong tao(sumusuka na na no!) Nakaset na siguro ang lahat ng priorities mo, nagugulat nga ako sa tagumpay na natatamo mo! Mr Writer na globetrotter ka na. Wooohooo! Diba, kaibigan mo dati sila Walter, Patrick, at Jonjon (naparetoke na ba?) Anu na kaya ang nangyari dun, wag ka sanang malungkot dahil di mo naman kasalanan na nawala sila, mutual desisyon yun kumbaga.
Ang sarap sigurong mabuhay sa kinalalagyan mo ngayun. Ikaw ang taong puno ng mga pangarap at halos araw-araw nag-dedeydream ng mga trabahong maganda ang tunog at mataas ang sweldo. Alam mo ang magandang gawin? Tigilan ang walang kwentang mga paguubos ng panahon sa pangarap at gawin ang gusto ng puso!

Sa pagkakaalam ko, 'kaw ung taong di tumitigil sa isang bagay hanggat di mo nakukuha. Sana ganun ka pa rin sa ngayun. At syempre di mo rin makakalimutan na minsan nagtrabaho ka sa isang companya na akala mo panghabangbuhay-call center. At alam ko rin naman ang hirap na pinagdaanan mo lalo't ng pagiisa mo.

Sino na ang boyfriend mo ngayun? Panu kayo nagkakilala? At, masaya ka ba sya sa piling mo?(joke!) Si essie kamusta na,speaking of which, dapat parating intouch sa mga taong nakasalamuha mo dahil ang mga taong naging kaibigan mo ang magsisilbing ikaw ngayon. Malamang si Essie, maganda na rin ang buhay at masaya sa piling nga kanyang asawa, si Arvin. Sigurado ako, marami ding anak yun ang medyo nalosyang na(hehe).

At kamustahin mo ako sa mama at tatay mo. Sana malakas pa sila.

O panu ba yan hanggang dito na lang muna. Kailangan ko pang magtrabaho.

Pero tandaan mo, mahalin mo ang sarili mo, dahil mahal kita.

walang kwenta!

Can you remain single for the rest of your life and yet remain as happy like a couple?
I am losing hope. I am a "bit" pessimistic.I simply don't want to dwell on the overflowing emotings hovering over me. And the emotions were not good. Pessimissm.
Singularity enables us to feed our utmost desire, it feeds our heart for the longing to be loved and be loved in return. Given my current insecurity, which i doubt will I ever overcome, there is no getting away with it. So in the meantime, my being single is on a stale plate. Which is exactly the reason I am looking for someone to love.
Pessimissm makes me hope for the worst and fear the most dreadful.
One word: Playing safe.
I am not really good with rejection because I have yet not treaded the one-disappointment-after-the-other scenario yet. I am soo scared that if my confidence crumbles to dust, rebuilding it is next to impossible.
I never had a suitor. I never had a nightlife. Nobody would want to approach me because of my horrible image. Nobody asks about my whereabouts. No one wants to hear about my current lovelife. Well, who would? I am a person who has lots of bad/ugly things than good ones. I will never be a gift to someone else nor a knight and shininng armore. Nathan, gumising ka, tangina mo. bakit ang panget mo?!!
I guess I just have to accept the fact that not all people are gifted with a soulmate/lover.
No more drama and I hate myself.